


How To Win Friends (With Fins)

by weasleytook



Category: Jaws (Movies)
Genre: Anti-Dolphin Rhetoric, Gen, POV First Person, Shark POV, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 02:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5522162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weasleytook/pseuds/weasleytook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes sharks just want to cuddle. Most of the time it doesn't work out very well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Win Friends (With Fins)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meh_guh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meh_guh/gifts).



> I just couldn't resist that prompt. 
> 
> Have a great Yuletide and Happy New Year!

Here’s what they don’t tell you about all of the creatures that live in the sea:

Dolphins are real passive aggressive assholes. 

Oh, they look real cute, and they seem awfully friendly with their chipper chirping and the constant begging for treats like some trained puppy, but that’s just a show they put on for humans. But when the humans aren’t around? They’re the scourge of the ocean. Trust me, I know, I’m a shark.

Wait, wait, I know, the phrase, “Trust me, I’m a shark” doesn’t sound all that trustworthy, but it’s that damn dolphin’s fault that I’m in this mess to begin with.

“Try to make friends,” he said, “I dare you.”

Fine, he didn’t say exactly that. But he _implied_ it by going on and on about this human and that human and how delighted they are to see him swimming by their boats, but when they see my fin out there, everyone starts screaming and running away.

This particular dolphin is named Jerry, and he’s a real jerk. Whatever, jerk. I can make friends too. I have _plenty_ of friends in the sea. Sure, they aren’t relationships built on trust, and I can’t help that I’m a carnivore and have to sometimes eat my friends, but I really do try. I’m just a shark doing what sharks are supposed to do, it’s not like I eat my friends out of malice. But humans don’t even taste that good, so maybe if I can just get them to understand where I’m coming from, then I can prove that idiot Jerry wrong.

So I tried to meet the pretty blonde girl first. She seemed friendly, or maybe I just thought so because she was friendly enough to get naked just to go swimming. I was like, “Oh, hey, I’m Bruce, what’s your name?” But then I remembered humans don’t speak shark, so I thought I’d just give a friendly love bite on the leg and take her somewhere to hang out, but…

I don’t recommend doing that if you’re trying to make friends. I can’t help it I have these big, dumb, sharp teeth always in my way.

Too bad, she seemed nice.

I tried again during daytime, thinking maybe I would be less scary in daylight than at night. So I went to the dog first, because dogs love _everyone_ , but apparently dogs aren’t as good at swimming as sharks. (Which is weird, because then why do they call it doggy paddling? Humans are weird.)

And there were kids everywhere too, kids love animals, so I thought I totally had this. But then the running and screaming started, except for one nice kid on a raft. I felt like he understood me, he wasn’t afraid and that’s why he stayed. So I tried to give him a hug…

But I don’t have arms, so that didn’t work out either. 

I thought I was finally making progress when the fisherman all started going around in their boats looking for me, one of them even gave me a roast, which is a pretty nice gesture. So I thought I’d go meet this one I heard them call Ben, but he didn’t have any treats for me and if I’m being real honest, he seemed like he wanted to kill me. For what? Because of a few accidents? A few _misunderstandings_ , that’s all they were. So yeah, I killed the guy, but I swear it was in self-defense.

Kill or be killed, that’s what the stingrays always like to say.

So I decide I’m going to give this friendship thing one more try. Daytime again, not that it seems to matter with these people. I see this guy in a rowboat, and he looks pretty relaxed, and most importantly: unarmed. I’m like, yeah, this is the guy, finally, a human best friend. And it’s not like a silly inflatable raft, you can’t knock over a rowboat that easily…

Then again, maybe you can. I cannot seem to catch a break.

I gave up, because honestly, screw Jerry, humans suck and why would I want to be friends with one anyway?

But it’s because of Jerry that I’m in the mess I’m in now. I went back to deeper waters, thought I’d just swim around for a while, stay away from humans and their mixed signals. But now they’re out here looking for me. Jerry says that’s because they’ve changed their mind and want to be friends after all, but if there’s one thing I can’t trust, it’s freaking Jerry.

These guys have a boat named after the Orca. That’s funny. I knew some Orcas once, they’re misunderstood just like me. I hear some humans even call them “killer whales”, which is pretty rude. They don’t call me “killer shark”, just “great white” which is pretty complimentary when you think about it. I am pretty great. My friends just call me Bruce though.

So back to the story and remind me to never listen to Jerry again, because he was like, “You gotta go up to the boat, just see what they want, you’ll be fine.” And I must be the dumbest shark on the planet, because I actually did it and now I’m swimming around out here with some barrels stuck to me.

I am going to be the laughing stock of the family reunion. Oh, look, there’s big dumb Bruce carrying around his stupid barrels, they’ll say. Sharks are supposed to be smart, but I must have gotten the brain of a blowfish instead of a shark. (Those guys are nice, but they’re complete idiots.)

The one guy on this boat, I know him. Not personally, but I know of him. He’s got some sort of vendetta against me and my kind, which is pretty creepy, because what did I ever do to him? Just give a shark a chance to explain before you shoot at him.

So you know what? I ate him. I don’t even feel bad about that one.

Then again, I might regret eating that guy later. I think something bad is about to happen because the guy with the glasses is pointing a gun at me. Ugh. Next year, I’m vacationing in Australia.


End file.
